By Amanda Carpenter
Dust: fine particles of matter (as of earth) — according to Merriam-Webster.
Since becoming a stay at home mom of 4 homeschooled kids I know a thing or two about dust. Dust and I go way back. Dusting my mom’s ceramic Snow White and the 7 Dwarves set comes to mind. The initial wiping of the figurines would only result in the revealing of more dust! Ugh. I adjusted. You see the left behind dust didn’t just reveal itself, but a better know-how of cleaning the set. Like many things, age and experience has enlightened me more about dust. Currently, the tile of my house is being uprooted by a hammer drill. The dust is an obvious consequence. It is why much of what I own is under clear plastic sheets and my husband’s face is under a mask. As the first phase of destruction nears an end I begin to give a motherly forewarning to my kids of the cleaning that will need to take place. They think they know, but they don’t know. That is, dust settles well beyond the obvious and into what you thought was closed off, and finally into the hidden crevices that have yet to be revealed.
You didn’t come to an orphan care blog to read about dust? Like dust the effects of the decision to set me aside for adoption have settled everywhere in my life.
–It is Obvious.
I love the obvious. It seems to allow for a strong swift start to anything. I was vulnerable and in need of being placed into a family. That happened. Whew! Due to my being of Korean descent and my family’s European mix, it was obvious that one thing was not like the other. Yet, I’d like to think that we moved just as obviously as a unit.
-It is Closed.
As a Kindergartener in the Christmas program, I found myself seemingly stuck in the upper grade restroom by missing the 2nd door to exit out of. Instead of watching the numerous women and girls come in and successfully exit, I froze. I sat next to the row of sinks lost in my mind’s terror. No words. Paralysis. The very memory brings my body to a rigid state. After what felt like forever a lady asked if I was okay and the interaction was enough to bring my mind back to logic and as I witnessed a girl exit I too made my way out. For years this moment in time was a seemingly nothing burger. Until I opened the door by adopting my daughter. As a trying mom, I began devouring everything adoption related I could. Enter the word, “abandonment.” The word came roaring into my life exposing the shape of my hurt, brokenness, anger, and a closed memory of me as kindergartner in a bathroom. That’s the deceptive thing about dust. You can see through it to the point of accepting that the color of Snow White’s lips must be of a Pink Lady Apple and not a Red Delicious. Dust can be lived with until it is smudged and all you see is the dust and that is no way to live.
-The Hidden Crevice.
People run late. It happens. It is probably happening to someone right now as I sit here at Panera. Well, 12ish years ago, when my husband would not return from when expected it would take only minutes before my mind would spin a story and ready my body to withstand a storm. “He’s found me out, and he’s gone. It was bound to happen.” It spun on a loop until he would walk through the door and I would push pause on the loop and go about the business of a wife. That loop, “He’s found me out, and he’s gone,” was my automatic for anyone and every circumstance that seemed just a bit array. Though, I never spoke of it. And there it is, the unrecognized crevice: my mind. My mind went unchecked and was free to build up walls naturally according to my perception of hurt and glee. For all I had known, everyone had these thoughts. Gone were the days of paralysis in the face of fear. My mind defended and even attacked in the name of self-preservation. In the depths of my mind, it naturally dictated my life according to brokenness. It seemed right. Let’s park here for a second.
“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculation and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete.” -2Cor. 10:3-6 (emphasis is mine)
“And do not be conformed to this [c]world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may [d]prove what the will of God is, that which is good and [e]acceptable and perfect.” –Romans 12:2
Though, many new thoughts and beliefs had occurred the idea of “every thought,” the “ing” portion of “renewing”, and its utter importance to an obedient and faithful life had not taken hold. (Oh, please believe and trust the above scriptures.)
Dust, the consequences of brokenness, starts out in a flurry, settles in comfortably, and eventually dictates a way of life until it is revealed and renewed. Why smudge your dusty mess? Compounding things, why enter into someone else’s broken plight through orphan care?
“A father of the fatherless and a judge [f]for the widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
6 God [g]makes a home for the lonely;
He leads out the prisoners into prosperity,
Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land.”
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“Dear Reader, there are many verses to follow in His name, for His glory, but to know Him in this capacity enlightens the journey. What a good and caring God, whose mercy and grace is more than enough to clean out and redeem my dust!”